I was reviewing my lecture notes a few hours before teaching my advanced-level graduate clinical social work class, a class that would focus on a cornerstone of the social work profession: empathy and compassion. My bullet points and references had one central theme: how can social workers demonstrate consistent empathy and compassion towards those that they serve? While this seemed like a reasonable question for me to encourage MSW students to explore, I had this nagging feeling that something was missing.
Compassion and empathy. They are synonymous with being a helper. Learning “all the things and ways” that we balance Carl Rogers person-centered trinity of genuineness, accurate empathy, and unconditional positive regard is certainly beneficial to graduate students who will be investing themselves into a career that demands its helpers possess all these skills and qualities. Yet, it seemed incomplete. Like a chef who tastes their culinary creation and realizes that it needs something. What is the something that my students also probably needed that I wasn’t including in my lecture notes?
The concept of equanimity floated mysteriously into my brain. Equanimity is the understanding that we aren’t truly in control of whether those we care for get better or not. Giving a nod to dialectics here, we can do our very best to help and we need to release the illusion that we’re superhumans who determine what happens. The middle path is working with our skill and heart while also accepting the outcome of things that rest outside of our grasp as social workers.
I realized that I would be remiss if I didn’t encourage my students to think about compassion as it applies to themselves. Both students and practitioners alike are often starving for all the secrets on how to improve compassion-building with clients; but is there as much appetite for satiating themselves with compassion? In a profession riddled with imposter syndrome landmines, one misstep may lead a social worker to fall into a pit of self-loathing and questioning regarding their work, their clients, and themselves. A large body of research shows that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of strength, coping, and resilience we have available to cope with burnout. It reduces exhaustion by helping us to draw boundaries, meet our own needs, and tend to our feelings of overwhelm. Not only that, but self-compassion is also the kryptonite of shame, guilt and self-blame.
Social workers have a reputation for keeping their hearts open to their clients. Do we also keep our hearts open to ourselves? By keeping our hearts open to ourselves, we foster strength, safety, and peace – which all anchor us to cope with stressors and still show up to help. Often, we are looking external sources of solace and recalibration rather than looking inward. As someone who deeply cares about the wellbeing of others, it can be easy to offer compassion for everyone else before yourself. This point reminds me of an impressionable quote that I read several years ago, “Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” Did you get chills reading that? I know I did the first time I read it, because it’s a stark reminder that the self-sacrificing in our profession may seem like a noble act, when in reality it is a voluntary sacrifice of one’s heart, soul, and ultimately, peace.
Dr. Kristin Neff has been at the forefront of researching and promoting the concept of self-compassion for decades. She identifies factors that contribute to burnout, factors which self-compassion can mitigate. These factors include stress, burnout, perfectionism, negative emotions, lack of motivation, harsh criticism, trouble drawing boundaries, misaligned values, and a broken social system. In her newest book “Mindful Self-Compassion for Burnout”, she addresses these nine factors and provides tools that can be used by helpers daily to thrive and grow within the space of self-compassion. Neff’s work has been central to the sustainment of all caregiver types, not just professional ones. She believes in the power and principles of this concept, so much so that she offers free self-compassion worksheets and downloadable audio files on her website.
I realized that I was onto something in my classroom discussion with my students when they perked up at the mention that perhaps we should talk about them today rather than their clients. One student said, “Finally! An opportunity to talk about the (social) worker and not just the work itself.” Another student said, “I’m both excited and discouraged that you’re the only Professor in my entire program who wants to talk about us, the helpers.” The rest of our class was filled with group exercises on researching self-compassion, thinking of particular client cases where the students felt their self-compassion was higher or lower, and providing them with permission to prioritize this as much as good assessment skills and diagnostic formulation.
In social work, self-compassion refers to the practice of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially when facing challenging situations or dealing with clients' difficult experiences, essentially acting as a protective measure against burnout and promoting emotional resilience within the profession; it involves recognizing that mistakes are part of the human experience and not harshly judging oneself for them, allowing social workers to better care for others by taking care of themselves first. Consider an impressionable experience in your work where you critically judged yourself or were particularly unkind to yourself. Bring forward all the feelings and dialogue that you can remember. Then, imagine that this response from you toward yourself being carried away on a balloon – floating gradually out of your hand, into the sky, and then out of your sight. Can you let it go? Can you let it go so that you can hold on to something else? What else do you want to hold on to about that experience that does fill you with kindness and peace, instead of criticism and self-doubt?
Consider these self-compassion questions that can identify areas where you can be kinder to yourself:
- How do I treat myself when I make a mistake?
- How do I compare myself to others?
- What self-critical thoughts do I have?
- What expectations are unrealistic?
- How can I practice forgiveness?
- How can I be more nurturing to myself?
- What can I say to myself when I'm struggling?
- How can I support myself when I'm down?
- How can I treat myself like I would treat a friend?
Our suffering reflects the suffering of the world. Discrimination, exploitation, poverty, and fear cause a lot of suffering in those around us. Our suffering also reflects the suffering of others. We may be motivated by the desire to do something to help relieve the suffering in the world. How can we do that without understanding the nature of suffering? If we understand our own suffering, it will become much easier for us to understand the suffering of others and of the world. We may have the intention to do something or be someone that can help the world suffer less, but unless we can listen to and acknowledge our own suffering, we will not really be able to help.
Along with Kristin Neff, we also benefit from the supreme wisdom of the late Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, who has been a continual Zen role model for me both professionally and personally over many years. Thay (Vietnamese for “teacher”), as he was affectionately known by his followers, said this:
“If a lotus is to grow, it needs to be rooted in the mud. Compassion is born from understanding suffering. We all should learn to embrace our own suffering, to listen to it deeply, and to have a deep look into its nature. In doing so, we allow the energy of love and compassion to be born. When the energy of compassion is born, right away we suffer less. When we suffer less, when we have compassion for ourselves, we can more easily understand the suffering of another person and of the world. Then our communication with others will be based on the desire to understand rather than the desire to prove ourselves right or make ourselves feel better. We will have only the intention to help.”
The philosophy of Thay and the work of Neff invite us as social workers to foster within ourselves self-kindness, being gentle on ourselves rather than harsh or criticizing. Common humanity is another component of self-compassion, as you are not alone in your suffering. Finally, mindfulness encourages us to maintain balanced awareness of our thoughts and feelings without over-identifying with them. Consistent practice of these three self-compassion components will provide us with the resources needed to continue to show up to help and honor the heart and soul of us as human beings.
How will you embrace self-compassion today?
Helpful Resources:
- Self-Compassion Among Social Workers (K. Neff): https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/MillerLee2019.pdf
- Self-Compassion for Helpers Meditation (Jeanne Smith): https://insighttimer.com/jeannelaurensmith/guided-meditations/self-compassion-for-helpers
- Self-Compassion website: https://self-compassion.org/
- Self-Compassion test: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/
- ProQoL (self-assessment that measures compassion fatigue, burnout, and compassion satisfaction): https://proqol.org/
